Soap is not a condiment
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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