Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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