My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
