I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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