So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
