It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
