just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
