we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
