I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
