Just cropdusted the office
Ketchup is God's man juice
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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