my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
