are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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