I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
