I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
