Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
