Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
