I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
