so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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