I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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