I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
