My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
