Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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