It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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