No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
