I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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