Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
