Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
