I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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