Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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