So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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