i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
