One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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