I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
