If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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