If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
