i think my tv is drunk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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