and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
