I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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