yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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