can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
