Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
