I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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