How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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