Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you have feelings for this penis?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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