The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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