Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
