i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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