he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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