I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
