Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
