oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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