Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
