he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
