I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
