Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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