if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
