I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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